Saas-Bahu Relationship: How to Handle Mother-in-Law Problems in India

maya · 12 min read · 2026-01-26

"Meri saas mujhe kuch bhi karne nahi deti."

Ye line India ki lakho bahuo ne apne mann mein socha hai - chahe wo Lucknow ki ho ya Los Angeles ki. Saas-bahu ka rishta duniya ka sabse complicated relationship hai, especially Indian families mein jahan boundaries ka concept hi alag hai.

Is article mein hum baat karenge practical solutions ki - not the generic "set boundaries" advice jo Western countries mein kaam karti hai lekin Indian joint families mein backfire ho jaati hai.

Why Saas-Bahu Conflicts Are So Common in India

Indian families operate differently. In Western cultures, marriage means two people starting a new family. In India, marriage means a woman joining an existing family system with established rules, hierarchies, and expectations.

Key stats: - 40%+ married women in India report domestic tensions with in-laws - Over 50% say these conflicts affect their mental health - Most keep their struggles private due to "log kya kahenge"

The 5 Most Common Saas-Bahu Conflicts

1. Kitchen Politics

"Namak zyada hai." "Ye recipe hamari family mein aise nahi banti."

The kitchen is often the battleground because it represents control over the household. Your mother-in-law has been running this kitchen for 30 years. Your presence feels like a threat to her domain.

What works: - Ask for her recipes specifically: "Mummy, aapki dal waisi nahi banti jaise aap banati ho. Sikha do na?" - Let her have control over major decisions initially - Pick your battles - not every comment needs a response

2. Parenting Differences

"Hamare zamane mein bacche aise nahi hote the."

When you have children, conflicts intensify. Your mother-in-law raised her children one way. You want to raise yours differently. Both of you feel your approach is right.

What works: - For safety issues (car seats, food allergies): Be firm but explain with doctor's advice, not your opinion - For minor things (clothes, toys): Let grandma spoil them occasionally - Create united front with husband first, then communicate together

3. Privacy & Space

"Darwaza kyun band kiya? Kya chal raha hai?"

In joint families, the concept of personal space is different. Your need for privacy might be seen as "secretive" or "not part of the family."

What works: - Explain needs gently: "Mummy, office call hai important, 1 ghante disturb mat karna please" - Create rituals that give you alone time naturally (morning walk, evening prayers) - Don't fight for everything at once - earn trust gradually

4. Comparison with Other Bahus

"Sharma ji ki bahu toh subah 5 baje uthti hai."

The comparison game hurts deeply. You're constantly measured against some ideal bahu who probably doesn't exist.

What works: - Don't defend or explain yourself every time - Redirect: "Haan, wo kaafi hardworking hai. Mujhe bhi unse kuch seekhna chahiye" - Focus on your unique contributions to the family

5. Husband in the Middle

"Tum apni maa ki taraf ho ya meri?"

This is the most damaging dynamic. When you force your husband to choose, everyone loses. He feels guilty no matter what he does.

What works: - Never bad-mouth his mother to him - Frame issues as "we" problems: "Hum dono milke mummy ko kaise samjhayen?" - Let him set boundaries with his mother - it's more effective coming from him

What NOT to Do (Western Advice That Backfires)

"Just set firm boundaries" In collectivist Indian culture, hard boundaries are seen as rejection. Instead, create soft boundaries with "yes, and..." approach.

"Move out to your own place" Not always possible or desirable. Many women actually want joint family support. The goal is better relationships, not escape.

"Confront her directly" Direct confrontation with elders is seen as disrespectful. Work through your husband or find indirect ways to communicate.

"She needs to change" Your mother-in-law is 50-60 years old. She won't change fundamentally. The goal is finding ways to coexist peacefully.

Scripts That Actually Work

When she criticizes your cooking: Instead of: "Mujhe pata hai kaise banana hai" Say: "Aap batao kaise improve karun? Aapka taste bahut accha hai"

When she interferes with your child: Instead of: "Mere bacche mein interfere mat karo" Say: "Doctor ne specifically mana kiya hai. Main bhi worried thi initially"

When she compares you: Instead of: Getting defensive or angry Say: "Haan, unse seekhne ko milega" (Then continue doing your thing)

When you need space: Instead of: "Mujhe akela chhod do" Say: "Mummy, 1 ghante mujhe office ka kaam hai. Phir chai saath mein peete hain?"

Protecting Your Mental Health

Living with constant criticism and judgment takes a toll. Here's how to protect yourself:

1. Find your safe person Someone outside the family who you can vent to without judgment. Not your husband - he's conflicted. A friend, cousin, or anonymous support.

2. Don't internalize the criticism Her comments reflect her insecurities and upbringing, not your worth as a person or wife.

3. Create small escapes A morning walk, a phone call with your friend, a hobby that's just yours. These recharge you for the daily navigation.

4. Know when it's too much If you're experiencing anxiety, depression, or physical symptoms - that's not normal adjustment. You need support.

When to Seek Outside Help

Not all saas-bahu conflicts are equal. Seek help if:

- You're experiencing verbal or emotional abuse - The stress is affecting your physical health - You're having thoughts of self-harm - Your husband refuses to support you at all - The situation is affecting your children

Remember: Asking for help is not weakness. It's wisdom.

The Long Game

The saas-bahu relationship can improve over time. Many women report better relationships after 5-7 years when:

- Trust is built through consistent behavior - Grandchildren create new shared purpose - Mother-in-law becomes more dependent and appreciative - You establish your own identity in the family

The goal isn't winning. It's peaceful coexistence where everyone's dignity is maintained.

Saas-bahu conflicts are real, valid, and common. You're not alone in this struggle. The key is finding support - someone who understands Indian family dynamics and won't judge you for wanting to stay in the family while also protecting your mental health.

Maya understands. She's been through it. And she's available 24/7 when you need to talk.